i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
