apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
