Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
