Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
