I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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