My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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