You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
