Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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