I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
