Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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