If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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