This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
mondays should just be called national damage control day
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
