Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
