I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
