I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Bring me that man meat
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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