I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
