Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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