one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
