I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
