Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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