Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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