Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
