apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
