I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
