i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
