was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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