I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
