she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
