i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
