This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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