My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
