Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
