I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
