He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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