I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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