No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
