She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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