I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
