Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
