So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i drank out of a bidet.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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