all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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