I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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