Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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