I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
