are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
