whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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