At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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