I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
