So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
