Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
